My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
real
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.