DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…