Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
how to market bottled water to dads
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.