SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry