People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.