Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion