wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
🙂🐾
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
🏙👨🏼
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
goldfish mafia
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: