all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You Might Also Like
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer