BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
March 16
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Holy shit he’s back
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ