It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
When they try to steal your moment.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*