Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
the simulation is moving too fast
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes