13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
*puts cutlery down*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*