It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
RT if you could go either way.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.