My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had