put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret