motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Dyslexics are teople poo!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Hot hot hot 🥵
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)