Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*