[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
🤣😂🤣
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?