I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore