Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“Wait, let me explain..”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!