friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…