Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
i dont have time for this
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck