Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.