That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
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Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
get you a girl who
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*