“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra