#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.