[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“I wouldn’t.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
no one ever comes back
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*