Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not