12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”