*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.