Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.