[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.