As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
i smell a pulitzer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
ugh not again
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.