Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.