The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*looks at you in batman voice*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg