[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel