Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.