When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Good morning.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave