They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.