“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.