*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior