I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You Might Also Like
*skinny dips into black hole
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…