aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
scrabbled eggs
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals