“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!