I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
They must have gotten it to go.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands