accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
our love story in four pictures
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂