I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
me after drinking all the wine:
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.