Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”