How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course