You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before